We get it, okay? You want your kid's 7th birthday party to be the bash of the CENTURY. We all want our kids to have a great time.
But for the love of all that is Holy, can we stop with the insane Pinterest trends? The pressure to put all this time and effort into personalized lootbags or a cake made entirely out of Reese's Pieces is just unreasonable, okay?
Not to mention half the stuff you send my kid home with is covered in glitter, which subsequently ends up all over my house.
Creativity and fun are always important, but these are the trends we need you to stop immediately, please. It's pretty obvious you're more concerned about what the other parents think about you than the kids.
1. Edible Animal Poop
When my kid comes home eating ACTUAL rabbit pellets, you're paying the hospital bill. Why not dinosaur FOOD? Why does it have to be POOP?
2. Themes that are lame
It's a child's birthday party, not a brunch. I mean, sure. If your child ASKS that you have a pajama and pancake party then have at it. But I shouldn't have to send my child to a party in her "Sunday Best."
3. "Unicorn" or "Rainbow" things
Sending my kid to a party always guarantees a sugar crash, and I'm not expecting that to end. But "rainbow" and "unicorn" are code for "5 different sugar juices plus 6 cups of sugar and also liquid sugar" which frankly, doesn't even taste good.
4. Glitter balloons
Does this even need to be said? It's cute and pretty but when it pops at MY house? It feels like an attack.
5. Literally any game that involves mouths
Bobbing for apples may be a fun game when it's your family, but please don't make my child go mouth-fishing in a pool of slobber. Most people have hands.
6. Selfie Stations
It's a party! Let them interact with each other! Please don't keep them on their phones at all times.
7. Fancy cupcakes
What happened to a traditional birthday cake?? This seems like whole process. How do you carry this out and sing happy birthday?
8. Treating it like a wedding.
I know the saying is "go big or go home" but when you start spending hundreds of dollars
9. Puppy parties
So many things wrong with this. Just...so many? Puppies are not toys. Let's not teach kids that they are.
10. Lumberjack parties
Your hipster views should not be imposed on your children. Will ax throwing be a main event? Which brings us to...
11. Weapon-Themed parties
Maybe we don't teach our kids that weapons and shooting is fun? Plus, it just takes one rogue kid before someone's eye gets shot out.
12. Complicated crafts
Why do you do this to yourself? All the kids are going to end up miserable because their tiny fingers are so tiny and then I'm going to have to complete my daughter's flower crown at home. And then I will also end up miserable.
13. Mason Jars Crafts
You better include a voucher for a cleaning lady, because I'm not the one who will be cleaning up the inevitable broken glass off the floor.
14. Sleepovers for kids under 4
You'll forgive me for not wanting to send my 3 year old to a sleepover where there will be exactly two chaperones for 7 kids. I get it, camp fires are fun. But let's make believe it's night time. Because I certainly don't want to be driving to your house at 3:30am to pick up my screaming child.
15. Historical parties that require period costumes.
Throw whatever theme party you want, but the second you make me have to find a costume from the 1800s for my son to churn butter and hand-wash your laundry, count me out.
Have you ever heard of juice? I don't need my child to come home saying she drank 6 martinis at your house.
Why does it have to be 4-in-1? Cookie dough chocolate peanut butter pretzel Nutella cookie cheesecake brownies? By the time you tell me the name, I'm already reaching for an Oreo. Just...relax. Pick one. No one will judge you for your regular vanilla cake with chocolate frosting.
18. Mason jar lootbags
Seriously. Just chill with the mason jars.