"I Don't Want To Touch That" And Other Reasons Men Need To Start Washing Their Hands

There's an epidemic sweeping the nation and it needs to be addressed.


A co-worker and I were talking and he said, and I quote, "If I were to stand in a guy's washroom and bet on whether or not every guy who came in would wash his hands before leaving, I would bet that they wouldn't. Every single time. And I would make money, I promise you."

As a woman, no...as a HUMAN, the idea of a guy not washing his hands after using the bathroom actually appalls me. There is truly no justification as to why you don't. The ONLY acceptable reason is if you are allergic to water which I can absolutely guarantee you are not. How do you in good conscience skip the most important step of the bathroom? Especially if you're a guy. The peeing process is VERY hands on.

Here are some reasons, from a concerned citizen, why guys need to start washing their hands.

1. I Don't Want To Touch Your Pee

No seriously. There is no universe in which you will find a version of me who is okay with you NOT washing your hands and then touching a communal object. That door handle is for everyone, not just for your nasty self.

2. You literally touched your genitals.

This feels too obvious, honestly. If someone walked up to you with their hands in their pants, then was like "Hey, nice to meet you!" and stuck out that same pants-hand for a handshake, you would not touch it. So why do you make everyone else do that AFTER YOU'VE PEED? It's called logic. Use some.

3. We are SHARING those pretzels, thank you very much.

If I offered you a bowl of pretzels with a lite spritz of urine, would you eat them? If you say yes then I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Think about it: there is such thing as misting when you pee. Just because you don't stick your hand in front of the stream of pee doesn't mean they don't get contaminated. It's wildly inconsiderate of you to then take your damp hands and put them in this bowl of pretzels we are sharing. They are salty enough, they don't need your urine. If you would not eat these nachos, then WASH YOUR HANDS.

4. I saw you not wash your hands?! And so did everyone else!?

This is one of those times when peer pressure is a good thing. What you choose to do in the privacy of your own home is your choice (regardless of how gross it is.) But when you are in a public place, you could try to at least pretend you have a sense of personal hygiene. We all saw you walk out of that bathroom with immaculately dry hands. No public hand dryer or paper towel supply is sufficient enough to get your hands that dry. This goes for the office, too. It's a small space. We can hear if the hand dryer goes off. And we both know good and well that there are no paper towels in there.

5. You barely have to move to get to the sink.

Don't know what bathrooms you've been frequenting, bud, but all the ones I've seen have sinks in them. Crazy, right? It's almost like they go hand in hand (pun intended and strongly enforced.) Sometimes the sink is so close you just have to lean over to reach it. Worst case scenario, you have to walk a maximum of 6ft. And odds are it's on your way out, anyways. Don't be a lazy gross person. Lather on some soap and take 30 seconds to be a better human.

6. You're a grown-ass adult.

This is the most convincing argument I can give you. I'm assuming if you're reading this post you are capable of going to the bathroom without parental supervision. If you're old enough to pee on your own, you're old enough to know why washing your hands is important. If someone came up to you and was like, "Hey! I stand in a pile of garbage on the daily but I don't wash my hands because they don't actually TOUCH the garbage," you would probably think that's crazy. Replace "garbage" with "my own urine" and that's what I see when I look at you. Try harder. Be better.

There's a trillion other reasons why you need to wash your hands. Most of them include your own health but to be frank I don't care about those reasons. Stop making me touch your urine everywhere. You're not a cat. You don't need to mark your territory. A simple label maker will do the same job and make me hate you a lot less.

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