In this hectic world of ours we often forget to stop and smell the roses. If your life seems like it's going by too fast we have the perfect solution: a long list of funny jokes!
Reddit user scarlett_j got the ball rolling when he asked "What's a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time?"
People flooded him with hilarious responses that are easy to remember and guaranteed to put a smile on your family's face. We've collected 50 of the thread's best jokes for you to enjoy. Turn your phone off and take a few minutes to read it through from start to finish, we guarantee it will make your day better!
1. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes. - BoxxerUOP
2. What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg. - mariana_m
3. Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies. - bonanzoid
4. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tiss! - RayBrower
5. I've been told I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people). - iblinkyoubling
6. Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
7. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. - KaboomBoxer
8. Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery. - Birdie_Num_Num
9. I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean. - VictorBlimpMuscle
10. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. - Wicked Wanderer
11. A wife tells her husband "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." They had eggs, so he came home with a dozen loaves of bread. -SuperFreakyNaughty
12. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west. - fireworkslass
13. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 Bobs. - breadman666
14. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. - leahcure
15. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philipe Philope. - Soowhatisthis
16. A Mexican magician says he will dissapear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres. - Dust_Pan_Ninja
17. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
18. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. -
19. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. - Spysquirrel
20. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day - ImHully
21. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo. - kailey_sara
22. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. - Melciah_III
23. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. - WikiWantsYourPics
24. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "thanks."
I said "don't mention it." - 3shirts
25. The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" - ThroughDifferentEyes
Click the next page to see more knee-slapping jokes!
26. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. - Dave-Stark
27. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible." - Rndomguytf
28. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40." - 3shirts
29. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. - megan_james
30. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. - kate_winslat
31. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. - PTSDPillowGuy
32. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little light - alosercalledsusie
33. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"
I said: "no it doesn't." - DinosRoar1
34. How many eye doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One...or two?
35. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. - rangers_fan2
36. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. - BiffWhistler
37. So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? it's not the end of the world. - Jefferncfc
38. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. - ImHully
39. I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letter. It's shift work. - 3shirts
40. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them. - georgie
41. What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. - mysevenyearitch
42. What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish. - 3shirts
43. How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it. -P3rr0
44. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other: "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy says: "You are on the other side!" - The2ndKingInTheNorth
45. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender tells him "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."
The guy looks around, but there is no punch line. - justacheesyguy
46. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
47. Want to know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? "Wonder how far I can kick this bucket." - madurosnstouts
48. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. - Ramundo312
49. What is "E.T." short for? Because he has little legs. - 3shirts
50. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. - Totally-Generic-Name
Share this list if it made you laugh!
