Waking up after a drunk night out comes with a rollercoaster of emotions. Aside from the physical sickness that is engulfing your soul from the hangover, the decisions that seemed appropriate in the stooper were actually far from it.
From risky texts sent to passing out at the bar, drunk you was alive and well. Let’s be honest though, sober you wouldn’t have made friends with that homeless man or table danced at a pizzeria. No good story ever started with “This one Saturday night while I laid in bed and ate a kale salad”. This hilarious list is a tribute to the best version of these people which just happened (coincidently) to be after a few too many.
Be careful when you dance when no one’s watching, because we all have cell phones so everyone’s watching.
That’s Next Level
This is a top 10 most drunk photo of all time without a doubt. It’s probably a great thing at this point that there isn’t a drink in her hand, but she’s going to be thoroughly disappointed when she goes to take a swig and only gets an oxygen kick.
Whoops, You’re Welcome Sis
What makes this story even better is that Valerie is only 13 years old and definitely having the time of her life out on that soccer field. Either it was Valerie’s first time tasting vodka and didn’t realize that the rubbing alcohol kick isn’t normal just because it’s tap water, or this isn’t her first rodeo and she embraced it. Brilliant turn of events nonetheless.
Drunk Impulse Buy
Usually, the next day is full of regret and sadness that you bought six tequila shots too many and now it’s Kraft Dinner for the next four days. This, on the other hand, is actually quite an impressive purchase that her little one is going to appreciate for a long time. One problem is that they don’t have a pool — maybe that’s next after a bottle of Pinot?
“Why would anyone put a beer case on their head and light it on fire?” Well, that hilarious answer is just ahead.
So many questions need to be answered here. Why is that tree root perfectly shaped? At what drink/shot was the turning point of the night when the tree became his enemy? Where was he planning to take the tree? To his room? To a balcony? These need answers and there’s a strong possibility this guy doesn’t have any of them.
“I’m Good, Don’t Worry About Me”
This is a live feed into what it looks like when you let your overly drunk friend walks home alone from the bar because they said: “I’m not even drunk”. They end up face planting in bushes and having the best sleep of their life. If this backbreaking position doesn’t look comfy, then you’re absolutely right because it definitely wasn’t.
“That’s Hot” – Paris Hilton
There’s the level of drunk where you start adding weird inanimate objects to your head, then there’s the level of drunk where you light those inanimate objects on fire. It’s never smart to turn a Coors Light case into a convection oven if you’re interested at all in having hair. My thoughts are with this fellas brain cells.
What’s the weirdest drunk text you’ve ever sent? 100% not even close to this girl’s attempt to flirt with an entire airport. That’s just ahead.
What’s great about being drunk is that you come up with ideas that would never be entertaining while sober. Organizing potatoes on a table from biggest to smallest is one of those tasks. It’s interesting that we can have superior organizational skills with potatoes while drunk, but sub-par skills when it comes to organizing our lives in general.
“I Fed The Dog”
“Babe, when you get home can you make sure to feed the dog before you go to bed?” Well, he kept his promise, unfortunately. No matter how well fed your dog has been its entire life, it’s still inherently a savage and will eat even the vilest meals if it’s put in front of them. This pup got to feast on some half-cooked street sausages with an excessive amount of sauerkraut.
Wanderlust Drunk Texting
Drunk texting has become an epidemic amongst Millenials. Whether it’s a regretful text to your ex or a “You up?” text to the person you fancy — not much good has ever come out of any text sent after midnight. With that being said, drunk messaging an airport to see if they’re okay is absolutely acceptable. A lot of people fly and it’s important to know whether the synergy of the port is sufficient.
There’s being sick and tired of wearing heels to the bar, and then there’s this girl coming up whose desperation got to an insane level.
5 Star Service
This cab driver deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his heroic actions on this night. Lots of people lose items in the back of a cab — keys, phones, wallets — but this dude took things one step further and lost his dignity. It’s hard to do in the back of a cab because cab rides don’t take very long usually, so this is actually commendable.
Pole, Uh, Dancing?
After a few drinks, and a few more drinks, and a few more drinks after that, any morals you grew up with are basically thrown out the window. Suddenly, being a street stripper seems like a good idea… until it ends up like this. After a quick tumble, this girl, with the help of her dress, morphed her into a lowercase “t” which was never the plan.
Heels Are OFF
If you’re a girl, you can relate to this on a personal level. It’s the end of the night and you’ve been dancing around on stilts all night and your feet can’t take it anymore. This girl wasn’t drunk enough to go fully barefoot on the pavement, so she crushed a few Big Macs and turned the bags into her new shoes. Creative and admirable.
We’ve all woken up to some weird things after a night out, but not as weird as this guy’s furry encounter. That’s just ahead.
Well That Was Cheap
If it takes a cab driver to explain to you that you’re at your house, that’s probably an unsafe level of intoxication. To be a fly on the wall of that cab would be a dream. How did the cabbie react? Did he start driving off until he realized he was already at the house? Did he yell at him to get out?
Rake It Up Off The Floor, Girl
Once the alcohol kicks in and your favorite songs start blasting all bets are off in terms of potential injuries. The splits claim more lives than any medical condition because it always seems like the right thing to do, but is NEVER the right thing to do. Fortunately for this girl, all she got was crutches — for many others there’s no walking or even getting up after that.
“We Neeeeeed To Go”
There’s probably no drunk story better than this guy, who woke up from a blackout in a bus stop with a fox basically trying to size him up. This fox is every friend at the bar who’s too sober to have any fun so they just nag you about leaving every four seconds. This is the same friend that ALWAYS wins that argument because they just keep describing how warm and delicious late night drunk pizza would be.
Coming up, this person tries their luck at a foolproof attempt at not allowing themselves to drunk text.
A Really Good Look
This is why you should never be the first one out of your friends to pass out. He is literally “roasted” and now looks like the inner shell of C-3PO from Star Wars. For anyone who has ever had to get permanent marker off your face, you know this guy had quite the two-hour shower awaiting him the next day.
When you’ve had a bit too much to drink it’s fairly normal to feel invincible and never turn down a dare. As you can see by his bulging eyeballs, he’s in a little bit too deep and should’ve said “truth” instead of “dare”. This is also the face you make when you see your co-worker out at the bar and they’re making out with the bartender for free vodka shots.
This needs to be a precaution for any potentially emotionally unstable drunk person before they go out. Did your crush open the Snapchat message you sent them and then not reply? Did your ex just get a new boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you plan on taking more than three tequila shots? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions — you need this.
Looking Out For The “Other Me”
Laptop charger cords also second as tripwire when you’re drunk or hungover. There should be a pylon warning for all cords on the ground. There should also be pylons near lego blocks, curbs, and coffee tables because those are all objects that tend to cripple anyone who has had more than five drinks.
Got Cold Feet
Sometimes it’s necessary to refrigerate your shoes, but most times it’s not. Coming home after a night out of tearing the dancefloor up and feeling the need to cool down your shoes after throwing down “fire dance moves” is the sign of a good night. Unfortunately, this guy can’t put his integrity in the fridge from when said dance moves ripped right up the seams.
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