Listen up ladies! The problem we have all wanted solved is finally getting a solution! No no, I'm not talking about sexual harassment in the workplace. No, it's not equal pay either. No...it's not maternity leave.
WE'RE GETTING QUIETER DORITOS!!!
I'll wait until you're done silently rejoicing before continuing. Call your friends! Call your families! THIS IS THE BIG ONE!
No, it's not a joke. According to research conducted through PepsiCo, which owns Doritos, women do not like to crunch loudly or lick their fingers when they eat in front of others.
Instead of just leaving things alone and letting people eat Doritos in peace, the company decided to introduce a new product to the market, and their reasoning honestly sounds like a joke.
Global chief executive of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, a self-conscious woman chewer apparently, released a statement about the company's new initiative.
"Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public," she said.
My first point of contention: NO ONE should be doing this in public.
"You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos," she continued. "And they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don't want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom."
My second point of contention: focus more on fixing the broken pieces than loud chewing.
"Women would love to do the same, but they don't," Nooyi claimed. "They don't like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don't lick their fingers."
My third point of contention: she has clearly never seen me eat a bag of Doritos.
Nooyi also goes on to say that the new "lady Doritos" will be packaged different. They'll be sized to fit into a woman's handbag easily.
"It's not a male and female as much as "˜are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?'" Nooyi asked. "And yes, we are looking at it, and we're getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon."
Obviously, people had opinions on this new product.
As a woman, I hate the manly, too loud sound of a chip crunching. This is the exact snack my delicate mouth needs. Hopefully the edges won't be too sharp (:— Destany (@notdestany) February 5, 2018
THANK GOD. My fellow feminists, we can end our fight. We have won.— Chelsey Engel (@femmewithapen) February 5, 2018
Think about how there were probably many meetings to discuss this and yet the product moved forward. There were either no women in these meetings or their voices were quashed bc they were supposed to be as silent as these chips.— s'OK (@Jalopyfilms) February 5, 2018
I'll write these on my grocery list with my bic pens for women that come in pink and light purple and are perfect for my tiny woman hands to write with. Big man pens and cruncy chips are just too much for me!— ðŸŒŠðŸŒˆMeg ðŸŒˆðŸŒŠ (@MegAhsens) February 5, 2018
However, former British Conservative MP, Ann Widdecombe, says it's actually a good idea.
"I never lick my fingers in public or in private as I think its a ghastly habit," she said. "I think the idea of crisps for women is a bit daft, although I do think women are generally a bit fussier than men about these things. I am a cruncher, but I'm fussy about where I crunch. Bully for them, they've introduced polite crisps."
It seems a little...shall we say patronizing, to provide a product for women that makes them crunch more quietly than their male counterparts. Frankly, the sound of anyone chewing loudly is enough to drive me up the wall, so why not just invent a quieter Dorito for everyone and not just focus the product for women?
As one of my co-workers said, "why do advertising agencies basically seem to think women are aliens that we can only understand through broad generalizations and stereotypes?"