Listen, we've all been called a witch at one point or another. The accusation is generally an insult of your character, but in 1692 being called a witch was a serious offence.
Of course, there was no real proof anyone was a witch. But if you fell into any of these categories, you can bet your bottom dollar you'd be not only accused, but put on trial.
1. Are you a woman?
If yes, you better hope that's the only applicable criteria on this list. For thousands of years, being a woman was directly associated with witchcraft, as women were believed to be "more susceptible to sin."
2. Are you financially unstable?
People didn't trust beggars, which is why Sarah Good was hanged in 1692. People believed she was a witch because she begged for food door-to-door. Anyone who had to rely on the community for support was eligible for witchcraft accusations.
3. Are you financially stable?
Can't have it both ways, ladies! If you were a grown woman who was able to support herself without any help, it indicated you were a witch. The "alarming" fact that you didn't need a man set of many suspicions. Even if your money came from an inheritance after your brother or son died, that didn't matter. You had money and that was a thing only witches had, apparently.
4. Do you have friends that are female?
A group of women gathering without a male chaperone was considered "a coven meeting to worship the devil." Y'know, just a typical Tuesday night.
5. Have you ever had an argument with a female friend?
That's right, gals! Starting an argument with a friend was a way to deflect people away from thinking you're a with, according to witch-finders Matthew Hopkins and John Searne.
6. Have you ever had an argument with anyone, ever?
If so, you are a witch. If anyone accused you of being a witch and you fought back, well then that basically solidified their opinion.
7. Are you old?
Rebecca Nurse was 70 years old when she was accused of being a witch because she was arguing with her neighbors. She was sentenced to death at 71.
8. Are you young?
At 4 years old, Dorothy Goode confessed to being a witch, which then implicated her mother Rebecca. Dorothy was put in jail for 9 months, and the experience left her permanently insane.
9. Are you a midwife?
Put simply by writer Joel Southern, a midwife's "age, social and marital status, autonomy, pagan influences, secret knowledge of herbs and most importantly, the vilification of her profession as unclean and demeaning served to demonize the midwife. In short, the midwife represented everything the Church feared."
10. Are you married with kids?
If you had too many kids, it was assumed you were "unnaturally fertile" and the only reason for that is dark magic. And if someone nearby was having trouble conceiving? Well it was obviously because you were stealing their potential babies.
11. Are you married with no kids?
If the answer is yes, it's clearly because the devil cursed you with infertility. Also if your neighbors and their kids go through any type of suffering, it's because you cursed them out of jealousy.
12. Are you stubborn or confrontational?
Any type of back-talk or sass is a guaranteed sign of a witch. Rachel Clinton, who was on trial for being a witch, had the following used against her:
"Did she not show the character of an embittered, meddlesome, demanding woman"”perhaps in short, the character of a witch? Did she not scold, rail, threaten and fight?"
13. Have you ever let milk go bad?
Your fridge habits somehow play into your witchy-ness. During several of the Salem witch trials, mention of spoiled dairy products were used as hard evidence against the accused.
14. Have you had sex before marriage?
Alice Lake of Dorchester was tried as a witch for having "played the harlot, and being with Child." Lake felt so bad about committing this sin, she actually confessed to making a deal with the devil and being a witch. They hanged her.
15. Have you ever day-dreamed about who you will marry?
WITCH!!!!!!!! Tituba, a slave living in Salem, was condemned to death after encouraging young girls to predict the identity of their future husbands.
16. Have you ever broken any rule from the bible?
These are some of the rules the Puritans observed:
-The strict observance of Sabbath, "the training day of military discipline." This includes no fire, no trading, no traveling, and something called "new showbread In the holy place." That last one is punishable by death.
-No leading people to other Gods by prophecy or dreams
-No getting raped
-No planting more than one type of seed in a field
-No touching a pig carcass
-No wearing clothing made of more than one kind of cloth or fabric
-No round haircuts
-No braided hair
-And definitely no suffering a witch to live
Have you done any of the things on this list? If yes, well then I'm sorry. You are 100% a witch. This is science.