We all need a little pick me up now and then. Sometimes a joke is all you need to turn an okay day into a great one! Luckily, Reader's Digest has an amazing arsenal of jokes that will never fail to make us laugh! If you need a laugh, or know someone who does, make sure to send them one of these!
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied.
She stared at me, confused.
“That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said.
She paused a moment before rolling over.
“That was my lie.”
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
Q. Which thrill ride does a wine glass love to go on the most?
A. A coaster!
Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A: The baaaahamas
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
I hate jokes about German sausage.
They're the wurst.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I advertised the following item on our local radio program:For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40.One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”
Q: What do you call an everyday potato?
A: A commentator
They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
People always tell me I'm condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?"
I've just been diagnosed as color blind.
I know, it really came out of the purple.
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party?
A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
"I'll call you later.""Don't call me later, call me dad."